He reached home.

Not home on earth. Not yet. He reached the very center of the Realm of Time and Destiny, where his Fortress of Time stood. He stopped to wave at the guards who saluted him, made small talk with his Heroes, before entering the very Heart of it.

The Throne Room. He sat not on the throne reserved for the King, but on the throne reserved for the Steward, for that was his position.

A Vassal King for the Lord Jesus Christ.

He began to close the doors that lead to this room one by one, and when it was done he rested on the throne.

While he began to reflect on the past day, something struck him.

Though those words had been spoken hours before, even though they were spoken by a brother, something began to take hold of him.

Pain. Though there was no hatred or anger that came with it. He thought it odd, and tried to dismiss it, and converted the throne to a bed that he lay down on.

It remained however, like a steel vise tightening around his heart.

He fell back, and even as he played his favorite songs on his little speakers that he had created around him, the pain continued to haunt him.

He fell back mentally and spiritually this time, and began to ask himself why, and what he had done to deserve the time.

Slowly, he thought of all the things that seemed to be bothering him, and he turned them over, and tried to correct them.

But something was wrong. The pain continued to remain, and he had no way of loosing it, whether in anger and hatred. There was nothing but pain.

Throughout the entire night he tossed and turned, his heart wracked with a pain that seemed to transcend every emotional hurt he felt in years. It hurt so much that it slowly translated into a physical one. But that fortunately subsided.

But the pain was still there.

After what seemed like hours, he could finally fall asleep.

When he awoke, he found himself lying in his double-decker bed at his home in the physical world. Someone must have seen him there and moved him, no doubt.

He found his nose to be in terrible condition, and even when he blew it several times, it continued to run, and he felt the incredible irony of it.

He was the Lord of Time, the Sealer of Fate, but in the physical world, he was all the same; he needed medicine to deal with his sinus.

He went to his computer in the living room, sat down and turned it on.

After a moment's consideration, he decided not to write his so-called excerpts first, but what he felt.

In the early morning of that Tuesday, while most of his friends were asleep,

He began to blog.

************

its seven nineteen in the morning.

the birds in my house have begun to sing, the chickens crowing though they look nothing like chickens.

i am awake, even though i slept less than eight hours as the wind from my fan lowers the temperature quite well, and my nose does not take kindly to that.

it reacts quite badly in fact, and starts running away. when it does that, i wake up.

and yes, i have to catch it. and, in the midst of it, i felt that i couldn't sleep. i had to do something.

or maybe not. i just wanted to wake up early. catch the sunrise. breath the morning air, take in the freshness of the new day.

...but no. that does not belong in my world.

revelations. how it startles us, strikes us when we're at our most vulnerable.

for now we see in part, as if through a glass darkly.

for those of you who read paul's letters, u understand. for the uninitiated, it simply means that in this life, things to us are a blur. it means that to me at least.

last night, i discovered many things. fools and kings. and there was one thing that i felt still:

"the greatest thing in the world is to love, and be loved in return"

oh. how misleading this line is.

for do we even understand that creature, this gift, that we call love?

it transcends many realities. it for one, usually lasts longer than faith and hope. how many of our so-called "loves" has lasted longer than our faith, lasted longer than our hope?

never

i look around me, and i see sad, weak versions, on television, in our music, in the movies, and around my life. i am surrounded by pathetic renditions of this strange gift.

some use and abuse it. some want to be used or abused by it. some want to know what it is. some want to see what it truly is, and thats why movies like moulin rouge and a walk to remember earn big money.

oh i could go on. but i don't think i would. have i spoken too much?

well. i don't care. u can suffocate on this chunk of gibberish i'm giving you.

what is love then, u ask me. i'm afraid i don't know the answer. the world has corrupted whatever ideals of love it has been. i'm not the Author. i didn't create love.

Ask the Author. He made it, not me.

and blasphemous though this sentence may seem, i find that His Love, is often marred by much of what the world says and has done. but i don't care. its never His fault anyway.

it's my problem. i have never stayed by His side, like a lamb waiting for its Shepherd. i have always wanted to march, like a warrior serving his King, ready to strike.

and i hear His voice now: "why march when you have not even truly remained in My presence? how can you go on the attack, when you have not put on My armour? how will you strike, when the sword in your hand is not the Sword of My Spirit?"

and to my earlier questions "how can you know love, when you have not been by My side constantly? i have given you this gift of authorship, and you hone it by reading the work of better writers. why do you not come to Me then, the Author of All Good Things, and let yourself reflect Me?

the truth is, i do not know. but i want to know, and yet, do not "feel" like it. too much work, my flesh says. too much to do, my old self tells me.

and i tell my old self:

"you are dead in Christ now, while my spiritual self is truly alive in him. you are dead. why are u then even talking to me?"

a lot of people are quoting straylight run's words:

"and i lie to myself, and say 'its for the best'"

i know the context of the song. but many like to twist it to their own situations. it seems appropriate to use it here.

but no. cause then saying that line here will truly be lying to myself.

for it truly is for the best.

i believe the Lamb of Hosts here is sending a message. whether is it through what may seem a blasphemous movie that gives Heaven a good laugh at poor ol' gabriel's expense, tragedies caused by the tsunamis of the prince of the world or satan as u know him as, or our own relationships, He is sending a resounding message to us.

"God has a plan for all of us. And no eye has seen, no ear has ever heard, and no mind can ever conceive what the Lord has in store for us."

what else?

"It is good."

good as in, like really good? rather good? or just good?

well. He's God ain't He? Being the Almighty and the Author of Love...

i'd say it's ultimately good. meaning nothing can beat that.


************

It was terribly ironic. Now he realised what the pain was about.

It was a separation from God. Not by God's own volition.

But by his own.

In his imagination, he was the Lightbringer, destined to bring the Light of the World to the nations; he was the Fatesealer, called to take charge of the domain of Time and Destiny and fighting the forces of evil at the same time.

He was a hero in his own created world. But in God's created world, it seemed that he was nothing but a zero.

Immediately something nudged him, mentally or spiritually he wasn't sure. But he knew the Lord was talking to him:

"This is your trial. While others have passed their time of difficulty, and find new ones to cope with, this one will last with you till I decide to bring you to be with Me"

"You are not nothing. You are MY work of art, MY masterpiece. In My eyes, even with all your failings, now that you are under the blood of the Lamb, you are MY child."

"As is Jonathan, even though he believes I have left him. As is Ephraim, even as he obeys me in this harrowing period of time. As is Ian, even as he has struggles with himself. As is Titus, even as so many believe that he is not as committed as they are. But I know that he truly hungers for Me, and I have set a good, yet different route for him from those people."

"Always remember that You are MY child, along with your brothers and sisters, princes and princesses of the Most High King. No matter how you feel that you can't, or don't feel like, coming to My side, still you must come to Me, and I will give you rest from your troubles, and strength to carry on."

Amen Lord Jesus. was all he could say.

Now he got off his computer chair, went on his knees, and he wondered how the chickens outside his house would see him. Then again, chickens can't really feel.

He knelt down on the pinkish-beige tiled floor, and he fought the first battle of his lifelong trial.

He began to pray.

josh fatesealer turned back time on 3/15/2005 07:19:00 am.